Item Number: Covers women would fall for (and some hidden disclaimers)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Covers women would fall for (and some hidden disclaimers)

1. ‘A bikini bod in 10 days’ or ‘From flab to ABS’
Disclaimer: If you are currently a baby elephant, we’re talking 10 years instead.

2. ‘How to enhance your inner beauty for a sexy new you – goddess hair and glowing skin all summer long’
Disclaimer: or let Bobbi Brown help you instead

4. ‘Dazzle, Sparkle, Shine – 750 pages of Fall fashions- all out glamour’
Disclaimer: You’d think something’s bound to fit. But you’ll realize they’re far too hard on the wallet and your Satwa ‘can make polyester look good’ tailor can’t copy it either.

5. ‘Will they or wont they paradise’
Disclaimer: We’d like you to believe there’s trouble, but close friends have confirmed that ‘it’s all ok’ and wait! we’ve just got news that the family is enjoying a secret getaway.. so, not really a scoop there but thanks for buying the magazine!

6. ‘You’re next mini vacation – 12 perfect escapes’
Disclaimer: The woman on the cover lying bare back with a flower in her hair & a smile of fulfilment, with black basalt stones aligning her chakras actually complained that the sun was too hot, the sand made her itch and she got bitten by jelly fish when she stepped into water.

7. ‘67 sizzling moves –these tips will blow his mind’
Disclaimer: This is not a one size fits all! When exhibited by certain sizes these will amuse him ever more than when he watched Horton dance to ‘Who!’
Should not be tried at home and without parental supervision (imagine!)

8. ‘The Shape Issue - fashion for every figure’
Disclaimer: Every figure between sizes 0-2. If you don’t fit the mould just leave the magazine alone.

10. ‘10 subliminal tricks that make people adore you’ or ‘10 ways to feel confident naked’ Disclaimer- The two don’t have to go hand in hand

11. ‘Denim styles to fit your shape’
I’m a believer - no disclaimer here

12. ‘Get him eating out of your hands’
Disclaimer: These recipes only look easy. They won’t taste like his favourite Thayir sadaam & Kootu, so chances are he’ll still not be impressed.

Finally try staying clear from covers featuring Posh Spice or Katie ‘cant fucking stop smiling since I married Tom cruise’ Holmes. Nothing these magazines cover will ever make you feel good about yourself.

But then, there are some magazines the covers of which you don’t read but only lust. You pick them up hoping the next 100 pages are only about him – Hrithik who Roshans my eyes

3 comments:

GargoyleJune 19, 2008 at 11:45 AM
Ha ha ha ha, it's a riot! PS: In the second-last point you forgot Angelina Jolie and in the last one you forgot the McDreamy Dr Shepherd
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AnonymousJune 22, 2008 at 12:08 AM
Jolie was mentioned once, that’s all she deserves. And McDreamy can’t be written about, my hands start to shiver and thoughts go into concussion, thinking about him….
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GargoyleJune 22, 2008 at 7:37 AM
Keep your shivery hands off *my* McDreamy, with regards, the real Dr. Grey
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About Me

Ok, so I’m 5ft 9, about 139 pounds, big greenish brown eyes, long curvy lashes, a curvier body, soft curly hair and an electrifying smile. This impression exists in my head…and now in yours.

It’s not because what I look like makes me uneasy, but this is the number that I’d like to turn up in, someday.

Hence, the ‘Item Number’. A lot many maybe familiar with the term and all that it implies but for the ignorant read on…

I’ve always associated myself with the term ‘Item Number’ which however until recently was a phrase loosely used in Bollywood to describe a filler, a foreplay before the formidable act, a thesaurus for sleazy dance, an excuse for skin show (not always attractive).

All that is now the past. With cinemas growing sensibilities, the stigma attached to the phrase no longer exists and in fact, is now glorified by a list of A grade celebrities gracing the screen with their special performance, adding glam value to an otherwise submissive script.

However in spite of the recent but growing respect, the meaning of the phrase ‘Item Number’ has never changed for me. An item number is an exhibit out of the ordinary plot line, sometimes provocative yet necessary, it sometimes lends itself to the situation but other times it’s forced. It’s long enough to make you smile, but short enough leaving you longing for more. Sometimes special. Sometimes over the top. But never subtle.

I believe, if we search deep inside, we all yearn to be an item number (yes even you!)

It’s the longing to be special. To be provocative. To be able to tease ones boundaries. To be different. To be the one. To make people sit up and notice.

If only for an hour, if only for a minute or even a second.

When you hear the crowds cheer (even if it’s just in your head), respond to every appreciative/envious glare with a radiating smile from within, when you know the stars are shinning in this moment, only to make you look brighter, and you almost throw your hands up to the universe miming a big ‘Thank You’ that’s when you know you’re an Item Number.