Flexible v/s Fake

The real you can have many faces. Adapting your personality to suit different roles is a flexible response to modern life. BUT where does ‘flexible’ end and ‘fake’ begin?

Happy Gay Lucky

The latest phenomenon, to hit London’s social scene is a Gubby aka the gay husband. A Gubby, as I understand is not to be confused with two married men or a closet husband. They are an imminent breed fast replacing the ‘I’m the captain of the universe and thus too busy to notice my wife’ kind of husbands. In short a Gubby is your replacement husband, with whom a fictional affair is not only gratifying, but exceedingly safe- without the guilt of sexual anxiety. He’s safer than the safest sex, you get to keep your marriage and your clothes on!

Amidst London’s ‘inhaling hair dye fumes’ society a Gubby maybe Gay, but he’s one to match your every step. His chronicles with the high'n'mighty make him every bit the ‘charming’ you can’t have rather than the average blonde arm candy.

This new genus fascinated me so much that after further research I learnt, Gubbies can actually be your girlies in disguise.
Or can they?
They’re capable of displaying random streak of jealousy when they feel their time is being short changed. They are beneficiaries of lavish hosts and are usually fought over as prized claims by the commonly emerging ‘I have so much money but it doesn’t buy me love’ Set -A house wives. Only, because of their inherent ability to comment on a new dress, notice your hair colour or take interest in the tulips you buy as dinner decoration.

All this makes me wonder what the fuss is about? The attention that you’re receiving is from the opposite sex alright, but not someone whose about to change your definition of ‘relight my fire'.

Can he really replace your girlfriends? Do they take you out, flatter you with attention to finer details, as you stroll provide a strong arm for you to lean on, buy you flowers, send you little cheer up notes? Do your girlfriends provide the satisfaction of being fussed over by a good looking package? I guess momentarily it would be good to fantasize that your Gubby is secretly not a man eater and one of these days you’ll find yourself in a nerve wrecking situation where ‘politely declining’ may not be an option.

But wait doesn’t he then fall into the same category as ‘the man you knew of, before you were married’

Profound statement# 22

Life is what happens to you when you're busy planning other things.

Raat - The Night

Liza and I returned from her nail clipping appointment and I settled myself in for some dinner. Just about then, she started acting really strange. The hair on the nape of her neck was standing, there was something that her senses didn’t agree with. I ignored it at first and continued heating food. They say dogs can see spirits and where I live, sometimes, I have quite a few friendly visitors. I usually let open the door and pretend to ignore them and her barking into thin air. Whatever it is settle it out, I don’t need to get involved and after a bit, it’s all calm. But not tonight, she paced, uncomfortable on not being able to see what she’s sensing. I decided to distract her with food, it usually works for both of us. But this time it didn’t. She wouldn’t come to me & hid under a sofa, growling at the sofa opposite the room. I ignored it until the growls got really aggressive, the barking had now begun, the hair on her neck was reaching for the ceiling. That’s when I froze. What if there IS someone hiding behind the sofa? While we were away, someone broke into the house and was startled by our unexpected early return? So it hid behind the sofa. Lame, but when you’re looking for cover, you’re not thinking.

Now we’ve established that there’s something there that does not belong in this house, but with a cold the best I can do was a squeak. I live in an old villa with no neighbors. It would be morning before my body is found! But…how can someone fit behind the sofa? A spirit? But why would Liza keep sniffing the floor. Surely spirits don’t leave scents and besides the only dead spirit in the house at this point in time is me!

Realizing that I cant handle this on my own, I rang the maid, who didn’t pick up. This is getting really suspicious, why isn’t the maid picking up? It’s only 9:30, she can’t possibly be asleep and it takes precisely 25 secs from her room to the house. So, WHERE IS SHE? Under the sofa? Dead? Oh my gosh! I’ve watched too many Hindi movies to know anything is possible. To add to the drama, I was suddenly suffering from an uncontrollable bout of hiccups. On Grey’s Anatomy, I’ve seen a women die because of hiccups (ok so I watch too much TV, but can we worry about that later?)

I can’t do this alone. Can’t pull a body out and Liza’s behavior is unnerving me. What do I do? What do I do? Just then, Mary, with obviously better timing than my hiccups rushed in through the door as an answer to my questions. A relief. So its not her dead or hiding behind the sofa (I didn’t think she’d hide behind the sofa, but still) what the fuck is it then?!!!

We’re trying to hold Liza back so that whatever it is, doesn’t get her first. I can see headlines already – ‘Two Asian ladies -SS & MD found dead in Jumeirah villa. Motive unknown. Dog rescued. Traumatized, is not speaking and will be put up for adoption’

As Mary pulls parts of the sofa away, Liza is getting uncontrollable & trying hard to wiggle away. Animals can also sense danger. So is this her trying to run for cover? We decided to open the main door first, if need be we can run or scream or whatever. As soon as the second sofa is moved, she pauses. I see it too. A brown tail first and then the whole brown and black stripped body emerges. The tiger leaps for the door and vanishes into darkness. Ok it wasn’t a tiger, but it still belonged to the cat family. The fuss, and all I have is a bleeding scratch from Liza’s freshly manicured claws.

That would have been the last paragraph of this entry if Liza hadn’t started barking before I finished with this post. The whole routine is all too familiar. We just went through this an hour back. The cat couldn’t have come back again unless….
It was a different room this time and she’s barking around my bed. MAAAAARRRRYYYYY!!!!
Another cat, a pregnant one and this time after chasing her out we looked for other aunts, uncles, mistress’, kittens left behind. I mean we’ve just witnessed a family picnic today. How do you choose a dog’s house as a safe haven for delivering your kittens? I changed my mind. Cats were meant to be smart. Too tired…need to sleep. But she won’t. Her rights as a dog have just been violated. Two cats, under her very nose, in her kingdom and I let them get away…. the sniffing continues…

Kismet Konnection

If you’re Kismet is really good it will stop you from Konnecting with any theatre that is playing this movie.

Expectations can be harsh and difficult to live up to (not that I would know). My heart goes out for Shahid ‘Jab We Met’ Kapoor.A lot of us went in with the hangover waiting for the same magic to be recreated again. But we forgot it’s a different movie, different director, co-star etc. Even if, they were all the same, we would have come away complaining ‘typecast ho gaya hai. Kuch naya nahin kiya’ Hard to please some customers I tell ya!

Ok the story in a nutshell – Raj Malhotra the architect was a promising business student. But once college got over, so did his good luck. He now had to find a lucky charm; whose presence would make all wrongs right, all misfits a perfect fit. Enter Priya and Raj’s world suddenly starts looking round again. Is she the one? Will lady luck finally seduce?

Shot in Canneda, the locals chosen weren’t very picturesque which left very little room for good camera work.
It’s a shame to see Vidya Balan wasted. She is best suited for scripts which demand high levels of intimacy from the actor. An actor’s script.
It’s true that a Parineeta, Bhool Bhulaiya or Guru doesn’t come along every day. But for the sake of art, is the audience willing to endure anything?
Shahid had us believing that he’s come a long way after Jab We Met, then why the need to over act, constantly smile like a buffoon, force the dimples in his cheeks so much so that he resembled Jaadoo. I have immense respect for Juhi Chawla as an actor but very little respect for Haseena Bano Jaan. Her lines as a fortune teller were quirky but it was a pity to see screen time wasted.

Apart from the acting, the dialogues were nothing short of forgettable. ‘C’mmon Priya tum janti ho mein tumse kitna pyaar karta hun, will you marry me?’ (said in a very exasperated, say 'yes' or 'no' and lets get on with it kind of tone) as the elderly residents of the Community Hall cheer on and Priya ‘I conststantly seem to be loosing my stylist’ says ‘Ok! Ok! I’ll marry you’ she might have added ‘.. Nathuraam when you come home in the evening please get quarter Kg cabbage..where is the laundry man…what’s for lunch today…ok time for my shower.’

My favourite line in the movie is from a song which goes like this - ‘Sade naal Karle partee…Kudi tu lagdi hai naughtee..!’

Pappu can’t dance saala, hoye hoye hoye hoye

Saying that line always brings a smile to my face I dunno why? Watched ‘Jaane Tu Ya Janne Na’ last week. I’m sure by now, so has everybody else and we’ll all be in harmony when I say the director has hit the nail with his craft full act of storytelling.

I’m not sure if I’d like to jump on the gushing boat of ‘oh my gosh! Imran is sooo hot!’. But I would like to say, after a very long time here's a love story that makes you laugh, that makes you cry just a little but at the end leaves you feeling good. I'm a fan of Karan Johars love tales but often find myself suicidal at the end of his movies because the drama, the passion, the tears, are all way too intense. I can't remember the last time I felt a balance. I'm always tipping over the edge, but nevertheless keep going back for more!

But this one, Jane Tu.. is my story, it's your story, I'm sure and for many others. The simplicity with which we all got drawn into Jai & Aditi's entourage is actually a reflection of moments that we've ever shared. The places might not have all been familiar but the bonding sure was. The jokes might not have been ours but the feelings sure were.

We've all known a Rotlu. We've befriended a Jignes, first for entertainment and then grown protective. I missed my brother and cried (not because Jignes reminds me of him, I've moved on..keep up!) He was never as vocal as Amit about his opinions or my friends, but was definitely strong headed. We were never best friends but I value his presence. There's been a bombs and a cool red haired chick (I forget the names!) in almost every other group. I've been out with a few Pappu's myself who thought caveman hunting steps were in and remixed this with the Egyptian dance for a 'kewl' effect.

But what amazed me the most was the way each relationship was woven into the other. How one coin had very many sides. The story was not just about finding love, or a group of friends in college. It was not just about an attention seeking boy yearning for his best friend - that was once his sister. It was also not about a mother trying to protect her son from finding out the inevitable. It was not just about two best friends whose world revolved around each other. When together, no other existence was as important, and even then didn’t realise that this could be love. Who even without physically being together were always together. This emotion was beautifully captured in a heart tickling line when Aditi reminisces 'College ke panch saal kahan nikal gaye?' to Jai's mother and the mother replies 'phone pe beta'. The whole essence, as I gather, was about Pappu learning to dance!

There were so many instances in this movie when my heart gave a standing ovation, that to mention just a few would be the biggest 'na-in-saafi melord' of Indian Cinema.


So cheers to all the lucky Jai's and Aditi's who realised before it was too late. To the Pappu's who finally learnt to dance. To the Bombs and Rotlu's who accidentally found each other. And for all the others who missed the boat, go watch the movie again...losers!

Puurrrr to meet you

The other day, while waiting at the Vet, the lady sitting next to me was making rude noises. Only after they got really loud, she signaled to a little pink polka dotted rimmed cage and her belled creature purred inside. ‘She’s not been feeling too well’ she sympathetically cooed towards the mammal.

I’m not a cat person, but a soul in distress deserves a minute. Turning right at me, the lady then said ‘Say hello to Madame Bouvier Roffiania’ almost demanding that I pay my respect to her majesty.

I said hello and then introduced her to Rig Vinay Pratap Sigh, my squirrel.

It aint surprising when they say ‘Dogs have owners but Cats….they have staff’

Sex And The City

The movie begins with an arrogant and straitlaced statement. A generalization of women in New York, or maybe just women – ‘Women move to New York in the search of two L’s – Labels and Love’. That’s pretty much the summary of this movie, much to the delight of the hard cores. I’ve always been the outsider. At one time TV viewers could be classified into two-those whose lives came to a stand still for a half hour when HBO aired Sex And The City and the others who stayed a bit longer sometimes between surfing channels - the Outsiders, minority, but they existed.

The hit series in small half hour dozes, was fun to believe in, but to have it blown into a two and a half hour event is a disaster. The half hour episodes fortunately never lasted long enough to convert us into perks who believed life was only about pink drinks, high heels, great sex & designer handbags. But it did tempt many to practice the licence of being cosmetic, acquisitive and superficial.

I don’t mean to sound like Samantha on sex deprivation. Sure, any girl would dream to be with a man who says ‘I’ll take care of it’ with surreal ease while deciding to rent a Fifth Avenue pent house apartment which, was clearly out of the couples discussed budget and correctly defined as ‘real estate heaven.’

After four years of the season finale and the women now being over 40, I was expecting some sort of reality to have kicked in by now, but all I got treated to was a farcical flipping rampage of a designer catalogue where intimacy and relationship issues seemed much smaller than names like Louis Vuitton , Carolina Herrera & Dior.

The movie as I see it, seemed to defy everything the series ever stood for. The episodes had you believing you don’t really need a marriage to complete a relationship, a childless marriage is still a happy one, sexual freedom is only a form of expressing individuality. In the movie however, we experience Charlotte’s happiness of feeling complete upon finding out she’s pregnant, Carrie’s disappointment on the wedding being called off, Samantha practising monogamy (unthinkable) and walking away after being solicited by her very hunky & naked neighbour. Miranda forgiving Steve after, he confessed sleeping with another woman. All of this made them appear to be very much of the ordinary woman living extraordinary lives.

Carrie’s dream of getting married to Big, did not appear big enough in comparison to her Vivienne Westwood wedding dress and the 201 invitees. If you’ve taken pride in being the woman who does not fall for clichéd ‘getting down on one knee proposals’ than why does writing vows hold so much importance? The swing in personalities is a bit confusing.

But maybe that’s what the movie is meant to do. It’s meant to magnify everything which would be normal otherwise. Branded lifestyles, exotic weddings in National Libraries, Mexican getaways to drown the sorrows of being the dumped bride, Fifth Avenue Apartments, karma to die for…

Overall the movie was a tiring attempt of product placement and dragged for a half hour too long.

The future's not ours, to see. Que Sera, Sera.

My trajectory in life, to what I want to be has changed many times, between growing eye brows and growing weight. For the longest part of my growing years, I wanted to be a doctor – surgeon to be precise, even before I could spell it. It all changed one fine day. The day, I marched into the lab for my first dissection. As we entered the OR, the scene was tense, chloroformed rats lay in a jar, and we picked one individually to our operation table. The crowded room of spectators added to the tension. They were girls, who’d not signed up for bloodshed by opting for Computers instead. Watching us perform was the closest they’d ever get.

I placed the drugged rat on my mat and there was a moment. My first surgery. I froze. I didn’t know its name, didn’t know if it had a family, didn’t know if it had plans for the evening before ending up here. Not that knowing would make me comfortable. I was just plain uncomfortable and I thought this was wrong. Yes, I wanted to learn to save a life but not by starting to kill one. It’s been 10 years and I’m still dramatic about it!

After watching me cry for 45 mins, the teacher felt it was time to take things into her own hands. No, not dissect it for me, but threatened to flunk me if I didn’t unfreeze and now! Every sound was magnified, just like my breathing. It felt like a hangover. Between the two of us, I was glad to be the one breathing.

Loud clapping broke my trance. ‘You’ve got the hands of a surgeon’ she said. ‘Not a drop of blood!’ I wasn’t sure where I was or what she was talking about till I looked down. There lay my rat, naked & exposed. Along with its organs, I saw something else. I saw 8 little fetus all packaged in embryos, tiny pods in a pea, inside. That was my last memory before I collapsed.

It didn’t matter how clean my hands were. The precision and finesse I carried out my first dissection with, none of that mattered. To me, I was the murderer. That day I felt my dreams dissolve into the rats body fluids. That day, I also realized another phobia. The sight of blood, it made my insides churn.

Realization that the one thing you always thought you’d be is not what you want to be anymore, does not work wonders for self esteem. I was done. Then, somewhere between Biology and Physics I discovered Chemistry. It was good while it lasted, puppy love :)

I then moved on wanting to pursue a career as a fashion photographer or as cabin crew. Getting paid and touring the world fascinated me. It still does. But intervention changed the course. My parents didn’t think being cabin crew was a career. And photography - too expensive and unheard of. Post an MBA, having spent a number of years doing what I think I’m good at; I’m staring into familiarity again. A familiar feeling, just like the one in the Bio Lab. I’m done. It’s now time. But what is my calling, where am I headed, why isn’t life intervening now?

Should the disillusionment be worrying? I vaguely remember the words of Baz Luhrmann’s ‘Sunscreen’

'Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.'

Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic

I’m truly filmi, but I do exercise a reasonable amount of choice in the films I pay to watch. Unless offered complimentary tickets, cause then there’s no exercising.

However, the above decision will change rapidly if Yash Chopra continues to produce the kind of movies that’s sailing his boat off late. Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, Tahsan and now TPTM (I’m a quick learner)

The movie has its good parts and bad parts. The concept was nice. A rich Casanova with all the money in the world that can’t buy him love gets handed over four children who he has to look after till the youngest one turns 18. What did he do to deserve this? He ran over their parents in a car crash and killed them. What did they do to deserve any of this? It’s a movie, do you want to listen or not?

And now for the bad parts. So they move in with him and a single agenda - revenge. All they have to do is, make him seem unsuitable as a guardian and he’ll be behind bars for 20 yrs, no bail. If he even as much as lifts a finger, leaves them unsupervised, makes them unhappy, or feel neglected, they can tell on him when the judge comes to check in a month.

Enter Geeta – the Pari, (an angel) who comes down to earth, to make hearts meet. To bridge the gap between Ranbeer Talwar – Saif Ali Khan and the four kids, whose names he never remembers. But of course before coming down to earth she is told that she cannot stay a minute longer than she’s supposed to, they all sing and dance where we find out that she’s god’s favourite brat and they’re all one big happy family. By ‘they’ I mean, Rani Mukherjee - the angel, God- Rishi Kapoor and 4 other sidy angels.

So after doing a dance routine in the cloud, our little angel cycles down on a rainbow and changes from being a Pari into dressing the part of a nanny -right outside the Talwar residence. This is two mins after promising she will never divulge her angle powers!

From being the nanny that they want out, she ends up making them believe that she’s on their side. Simultaneously, she’s also trying to get Ranbeer come to terms with his emotional demons of letting himself be emotional about anything in life.

Of course this cant be that easy, so in between all of this there are museum trips where she makes dinosaurs dance, turns beetles into ninja turtles, skates on water , turns a spider into a butterfly. We also have Amisha Patel dancing in a bikini looking really hot, yeah that had nothing to do with angel powers. She has lost sickening amounts of weight thanks to the size zero fad started by a certain Ms. Kapoor.

Anyway what’s alarming is the family’s indifference to question the Pari’s hygiene factor as she wears the same dress throughout days and months. C’mmon you’re a Pari, you have the power to change your clothes, so why not just put on something different every now and then which would trick people into thinking you shower!

What’s also alarming is that in today’s day and age when cinema is moving forward Kunal Kohli feels the need to force fit a baby Sardar into the script just so that there can be a scene where someone gets to sing ‘mein nikla gadi leke…’ I thought we were over the whole cute sardar kid after Kuch Kuch Hota hai, but I guess not.

To add to all this madness there is fortness - Forceful cuteness (I made that up). A golden retriever who cries when all the other kids cry, a hamster who disappears toward the end of the movie, might have eaten something and died. Well, it’s good he died earlier cause then he didn’t have to hear Saif explain to Rani, as to what makes people cry (brace yourself) he says touching her heart ‘jab yahan dard hota hai, tab yahan se aason aate hai (pointing to her eyes) aur tab yahan dard hota hai (this time touching his heart. Seriously can that be classified as a pick up line? He should have just told her watch this movie after it’s made you’ll cry al right!)

Oh wait towards the end after god grants her the wish of giving up superpowers for humandom, she cries and then there’s a dialogue between her and Saif which goes like ‘mein row rahin hoon aur aap humsein flirt kar rahein hai’ with Saif retorting ‘Am I flirting with you?’ this is him being sexy. Seriously Kareena?
Maybe after watching this movie she would have wished she was the hamster.

I know these were complimentary tickets but I still feel like demanding my money back for watching. For all it’s worth they could’ve added Thoda thought, Thoda better dialogues in the making.

Rhythmic convulsion

I believe music is the language of the soul. Music with words mostly, songs.
If you ponder a minute longer, you'll actually realise there's a song for every situation. A song for when you think its love, a song for when you know it's love and a song for when you want to confess your love. Now, those who are not remotely familiar with bollywood may find the above three scenarios almost the same. That’s only for those who aren’t familiar.
I’d go even a step further and say there's a different song for when you’re confessing you're love, but the sparrow you're singing to, is actually talking about building a nest with someone else, and reality only hits you towards the end of the song.

Then the situation changes, cause now you're in a different territory altogether. Different not unfamiliar, because the songs are now of heart break, of betrayal, songs of ‘..it cuts both ways, you're love is like a knife and it cuts both ways..’ When you get your head around the situation, you realise it’s all about the happiness of the person you love so then you sing again. Songs of ‘mere yaar ki shaadi hai’, ‘it must have been love, but it’s over now’. Songs of love, but your love being handed over to someone else.

It’s amazing how many songs can actually fit into 3 hours of cinema.
Ok so you’ve accepted fate and taken a bow, but wait! while you're nurturing your broken heart, you meet somebody else, whose feathers look more ruffled than yours. So what do you do? You extend the branch of friendship, because like they say ‘dard se bada rishata aur koi nahin hota’ (you don’t watch hindi movies? Then you should’ve left reading this post on para one!)

You can’t just extend the branch out right, cause you don’t want to look desperate. So you sing, songs of friendship, songs of sharing pain, songs of I’ll be there for you. Being a stupid wren is better than desperate.

So you’re friends now. Just friends? While trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, you bump into your first love, the one who made you feel like you keep bleeding in love… and you're world comes crashing down. There’s a sadness in her eye, the sparkle that you once knew, is missing, you want to sing a song to her..but not just yet.

Amidst all this your recent friend has finally realized that you’re the missing piece that completes her puzzle. She comes looking for you, only to find you standing at cross roads. Now this is getting fun, have we covered a threesome situation before? And you sing…

I believe it’s all about finding your heart song. You sing till you find it.