31st of July

Fears are like demons lurking in your shadow. If the light of belief in you shifts slightly they become one with you or ahead of you. I’ve been dreading 31st July for a while now. Last year on this date the flat underneath mine had capsized in flames and as the entire building watched in panic from the street across, my family and I slept. When I smelt gas the first time I dreamt that I was at a wedding standing next to a halwai inhaling fumes from cooking delicious gourmets, the screaming of people outside in my deep slumber was substituted for wedding chitter chatter, only when I heard whistles I thought to myself 'what a strange wedding it is!' The whistles grew louder and as the chitter chatter turned to screams I started suffocating on the fumes from flames that had almost engulfed my flat as well. Of course the rest is too painful and traumatic to be repeated. But a year later I still live in that fear. A fear that a fire will break out, fear of getting trapped again, the fear that I probably lived to write again was only because of somebody else’s presence of mind.
Today I’m going to sit all alone, in a room fully lit, will create no room for a shadow, no place to hide. Face to face with my demon. I’ll eat, I’ll sleep, I’ll dream and wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow I would have fought the demon of the 31st of July and with that the fear of being alone when that night arrives.